Integrity

Friday, September 11, 2015

On this day, especially, I find myself overflowing with gratitude. Gratitude that I get another chance, a new start.

I had written about my recent experience where I volunteered my time and energy to work with teens as they went through the True Colors personal growth seminar through the Wings organization. I’ve been in and out of the Wings doors since the mid to late 80s. I’ve learned so much, and have so much more to learn, so much that I’m wondering what exactly have I learned. Have I really gotten my money’s worth?

I mentioned that upon returning home, I found myself in an extremely vulnerable place. I hadn’t realized that I had been walking through the week with my eyes closed. I was there. Physically I was present, but for some reason everything else in my essence had checked out. It was as if I had regressed into the teen that should have been enrolled not in the back as a support person. I am sorry to those participants that I wasn’t much of a support person. I’d like to say that I did the best that I could, and that’s true, but not much good if I don’t mine for the wisdom, the learning opportunity.

As I have told Sherrie, my Life Coach, my integrity is in shambles and has been for a very long time. I suppose it doesn’t matter if it’s been fifty years or five. it only matters as to what I want to do about it.

The first day of True colors, I was a half an hour late to the meeting. Oh, the excuse machine was busy cranking out really good ones. I couldn’t sleep the night before. I might have gotten four, but I was having such digestive distress, I spent more time climbing up and down the ladder to my loft bed than actually being in bed. Being sick is a good reason for being late to a meeting, but it also is an excuse. I did not admit to anyone that I also didn’t know what time the meeting was, and didn’t realize I was late before I showed up. I think that’s my favorite excuse that I use all the time. I didn’t know.

Running confusion is a great way to keep me from living my life with integrity.

When I started working with Sherrie, I created a list of ten things I would do every day to have a kick-ass day that would support me to live a Hell Yes life. I sleep a lot. Sometimes my bed is the most comfortable place for my back. Yup, that’s just another great excuse. Since I had a hard time keeping my agreement to get up by eight o’clock in the morning, I dropped it. Last night, Sherrie finally put her foot down and said that changing the ten things on my wellness list every week won’t help me get into the routine, and that I had to come lip with a list that was going to not change.

I know that the more I am actually out of bed, the more I can get done, and the more I get done, the better I feel about life. So, I put it back onto the list, though I re-worded it  to say, I would not be in bed no longer than eight hours. I used to be the kind of person who would stay up until one or two or later, and get up late. And then the part about going to bed late shifted to going to bed early and getting up late. Going to bed early was just in case I was called for a job, and getting up late was my feeling unwanted and unnecessary. What’s the point? or It doesn’t really matter. By my staying in bed until ten in the morning, it doesn’t impact anyone aside from myself. Or does it?

For the rest of my ten things that I do every day, I am much better about taking my medication and supplements, though I am about two months behind in my supplements by not routinely taking them twice a day. They won’t do me any good by sitting on the counter in their shrink-wrap cocoon. The company just keeps sending them and sucking money out of my account.

I believe that every time I say I am going to do something and I don’t follow through, I not only lose the faith that others have given me. I told my Kettle peeps that I work for at the football games that would bring them pears from my endless supply, but I didn’t. No one said anything. I hoped that they had just forgotten, but that was just so I could gloss over the cracks I created by saying that I’m going to do something and not do it.

I’m a survivor. I have learned how to cope with such personal deficiencies by altering how I do something. Okay, so I’m horrible about following through with my plans. But by not making any commitments or plans, this doesn’t solve my issue with integrity; just skirts the issue.

If there’s any of you who are having these kinds of issues, it does not make you a bad person. I do have this little speech in my head; this isn’t about being right or being wrong. It’s not about being a good person or a bad person. It’s something that I want to work on.

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